Finding Love Through Fine Art Theft
Oh hi everyone,
As many of you know I’m a big fan of art and museums (you should go to one for my birthday). Especially if it’s casing the joint figuring out how to steal the priceless art. That’s right, I have a detailed plan of how I would abscond with some of the most famous art in the world.
One rule is to always turn down jobs where the art is privately owned in a high-tech smart home. Also, another rule is to not watch the movie “Inside” with Willem DeFoe on an airplane because several scenes will have the person sitting next to you questioning your film choices.
Some museums, such as the Getty have attempted to thwart my theft by putting thousands of works online for free. Now you really have no excuse to NOT go to a museum for my birthday, you have 88,127 items to look at digitally.
While single, my go-to line on dating applications was “If you could steal any work of art and get away with it, what would steal and why?”
I quickly learned much about the prospective paramors. If their primary “why” was to make a bunch of money, then it wasn’t going to be a good match. One even went so far as to say they had a string of works in mind but wouldn’t be willing since they didn’t know an acceptable fence.
Putting aside that they implied they knew A fence, just not one of the qualities needed, this person and those like them missed the joy within the question.
For instance, my favorite work of art is The Innocent Eye Test by Mark Tansey.
I would steal this giant work of art in a second if I could. Upon securing it in what I presume is my art value, I would bring people in to tell them about how funny it is. The vault would also include LOTS of art of tulips.
Joris Hoefnagel (Flemish, / Hungarian, 1542 - 1600), and Georg Bocskay (Hungarian, died 1575)
Then there were the souls that didn’t really like art. I weep for them. But their aversion to the artistic form and the potential for pilfering allowed me to quickly move on to more suitable love/crime partners.
Finally, there was the art professor who had a marvelous answer. I have cast the memory out of my mind (with good reason discussed below). However, I recall it being beautiful and intricately made. They were able to provide such personal and emotional reasons for why they loved it so much. Plus, they provided valuable information about the type and quality of security systems at most major museums. Could we pull off a heist? It felt like we could.
This was the first time I’d matched with someone where the art conversation was interwoven with the early flirting.
We made plans to go to The Whitney Museum for the Biennial. I had the perfect plan for the date based on a small adaptation of something I’d been doing for years. . We would case the joint and find our favorite works then come back together and give each other a small presentation on why that work was worthy of our thievery.
An afternoon date on a day with perfect weather. Was love blossoming or was it the thrill of the heist?
Leaving the subway, I pulled out my phone to confirm I was approaching our agreed-upon meet-up spot. Only, the art professor had disappeared from my matches. My mind ran through a litany of reasons settling on the fact that they had determined I was in fact an art thief and they got cold feet.
I debated turning around and just heading home. But I was just down the street. I’d go on this date and I would find love, even if it was just a love of art.
The 2022 Whitney Biennial was full of amazing works but one stood out to me and saved my afternoon.
Eric Wesley
You see, it’s a giant drinking bird! Unfortunately, the docent would not let me touch it to confirm that it would, in fact, bob like its smaller brood. The joy this work filled me with allowed the letdown of a wayward date to pass by like a drop of water from a glass.
If you’re looking for love, do it through art. That way if your dates don’t show, you’ll still be able to find and enjoy your own “giant drinking bird.”
Other Items of Note:
March is my birthday month and I’ve decided on my birthday plans. I want everyone to go to a museum and tell me about their favorite thing they saw while there. Please RSVP here.
Shows:
How Was It Storytelling - April 4
“No Bones About It." April 7, 8, 17, and 20th. New York City Fringe Festival at Under Saint Marks ”
How Was It Storytelling - April 20
April 23 - Leap of Faith at Brooklyn Comedy Collective (more details coming soon)
WE LOVE A THEME (In Full Bloom) at Pete’s Candy Store - April 23
Mattsplaining:
This past week on Mattsplaining, I spoke to Joe Bates about what Final Fantasy 7 tells us about male personality types.
On Monday March 18, I speak with Katrina McGee about sabbaticals and taking a break from work.
I appreciate you and your reading of this set of words very much. Thank you.
Respectfully yours,
Matthew Storrs