A Comprehensive List of People Who Hate Me
Those of you that know me may be surprised to think people might hate me. Why just this week I bought vanilla beans and shoved them into a bottle of Tito’s vodka. I did this in anticipation of giving out homemade vanilla extra this holiday season (message me to sign up).
To those that are less surprised, I hope you’ll tell me how I might have wronged you. That’s because I have a running list of everyone I believe hate me.
Through years of social anxiety, people pleasing, and having strong opinions about sci-fi creative structure, I have made approximately five people hate me. These are confirmed “haters" to use the parlance of our current era.
By this point, the more concerned among you might be worried you’re on the list. Fear not, if you have to ask, you’re not on the list. The people on the list have a number of negative qualities they all share, one is that don’t enjoy reading.
The above list is clearly redacted, but it also has additional unconfirmed haters than the five that currently reside on the list. I’ve learned it’s good practice to assume at least a few people you crossed paths with once hate you to their core. In addition, there’s the chance these people have moved on and no longer hate me. Always good to have a bit of the plus and minus when you can.
Which brings me to how I decide if someone hates me. The easiest way to think of it is through alignment carts.
Sorry, charts, not carts. Regarding the carts, I feel the compulsion to return them to the store but have allowed myself to start using the corral. This is growth.
I’m recovering lawful-good or a Gallant (from Highlights fame) for those of you that have yet to have been corrupted by DnD-style personality assessments.
The problem with a lawful good is that you’re out there deciding what’s good. Most people aren’t some arch-demon or shopping cart(?), they just think you’re impolite at parties and avoid talking to you.
Here are the criteria as they currently stand:
Have they said “I hate you” (or a similar statement) and meant it?
Did I recklessly reveal they’d destroyed their report card causing them to miss out on ice cream?
Did I commit a faux pa only for them to refuse to speak to me when I attempted to remedy the error?
Did they threaten me in a parking lot?
Did I feel compelled to write a rap about them when I was hyper-fixated on being a “forgiveness rapper” for three months in 2018?
Now there were way more items on this criteria list previously. However, through years of self-reflection and work, I’ve been able to condense it down.
Numbers 1 and 3 have the clearest set of criteria. But I’ve grown with number 3, to realize I’ve tried to mend the relationship. I feel less bad about it, but I know I still hold their scorn.
Numbers 2 and 4 seem like they might be too specific. Yet, you’d be shocked at how many times I’ve been threatened in a parking lot. You take someone’s space away and they may never forget it. Similarly, I don’t think people should hide report cards in the hope to get ice cream by deception. Own up to your report card and use those debate club skills to get that ice cream [redacted]!
Number 5… Listen, there are some solid lyrics and rhymes in those notebooks. Though, I would have made matters worse if I had ever tried to record those songs.
Often there was nothing to be done to remedy the situation. As much as I wanted to be sure people liked me, there was comfort in knowing that the choices I made repelled some folks. I could only go about life understanding someone might one day join the list.
Anything you think I should add to the List? Do you secretly have a list of people that hate me that you’d like to share? Let me know.
Next week, I’ll have a round-up of things I’ve done to prep for fringe and things I’ve learned being in Instagram and WhatsApp chats with people currently at the Edinburgh Fringe.
Thank you for reading this week!
Respectfully yours,
Matthew Storrs